You Really Gonna Make Me Talk About That Gorilla Harambe, Huh?

You people are killing me (no offense to Harambe). Especially with these memes. Before we start, let’s watch the video. 

You were saying Harambe was acting protective of the child and wasn’t planning on harming him. Ok, but really? You sure about that? Let me see your Gorilla Scientist degree. They were holding hands? Mmm hmm, I see. If so, next time you’re at the zoo, jump in a gorilla exhibition. No? Here’s the thing: whether Harambe was planning to take the 4-year old boy back to his cave to get him a juice box or not is basically irrelevant, because when Harambe dies first, none of his relatives will lawyer up and sue the living fuck out of the Cincinnati Zoo until it’s just some Petco cages under a tent beside an on-ramp. The Cincinnati Zoo would much rather live with “OMG they senselessly killed a chill gorilla I just learned about!” than “OMG they let a toddler get ripped to shreds by a wild, dangerous gorilla!”. He wasn’t gonna rip him to shreds? Again, show me the degree. We could stop this here, but if you’re one of those people who like telling professionals how to do their jobs, you’ve probably smugly wondered why they didn’t use tranquilizer darts. You mean the ones you’ve seen in movies or the real life one that takes about 10 minutes to take down a 450-pound Silverback? You comfortable with the child getting ten extra minutes inside with that gorilla? If so, people at your office don’t like you either. I know, I know you just have “resting bitch face”. Trust me, they know that too. Because until your Facebook rant convinces the world to close every zoo and put the next Harambe in an actual animal preserve, there’s always gonna be the next Harambe.