The Best Dirty Jokes For Freaky Crowds

Photo: Thomas Barwick (Getty Images)

Once upon a time, we collected the funniest dirty jokes of all time, but we’ve since learned some new jokes that are nastier and funnier than the old ones. These are so dirty, they might even get you banned from certain websites and certainly from most family gatherings. Before you unleash these on your audience, consider the context. Is it a bachelor party? Go all in. A wedding toast? Um…better stick to the groom’s hairline. Reader discretion is advised.

• A cop pulls over a car with two priests inside. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, “We’re looking for two child molesters.” The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. “We’ll do it.”
• Yo mama so ugly her blowjob counts as anal.
• What’s the lesbian version of a cock block? A beaver dam.
• I was blessed with a 9-inch penis. That priest is in prison now.
• When do you kick a midget in the balls? When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.
• What is the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job still sucks.
• What did the O say to the Q? Dude, your dick’s hanging out.

• What is the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken.
• What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? Beat it. We’re closed.
• What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
• A woman asked me what a cream pie was. I made sure to fill her in.
• A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on. “Well, son, time for bed,” the father says. “But dad, I’m 16 now!” the son complains. The father replies, “I don’t care how old you are, you’re not watching me masturbate.”
• What do you do if your girlfriend tells you she’s HIV positive? Try to act surprised.
• A wife was cleaning her 12-year-old son’s bedroom when she found a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asked her husband, “What do we do?” Her husband says, “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”

• “Have you not got a girlfriend?” the father asked. “No, dad,” said his offspring. “Do you think you will ever get a girlfriend?” the father asked. “No dad, not at all.” “Are you gay?” the father asked. “No, dad, and will you please fuck off with your lesbian fantasies!”
• There are three things I like: fucking dogs and not using commas.
• What’s worse than ants in your pants? Uncles.
• Three tampons are sitting at a bus stop. What do they say to each other? Nothing. They’re stuck up cunts.
• How do you know that you have a high sperm count? She has to chew before she swallows.
• What did the leper say to the whore? Keep the tip.
• What does Trisha put behind her ears to attract men? Her ankles.
• What’s the difference between jelly and jam? I can’t jelly my dick up your ass.