'The Bachelorette' Season 14 Episode 5 Recap: These Guys Are All the Worst

Last week, I complained that Garrett and Lincoln’s pasts have cast a shadow of doubt on all the men this season of The Bachelorette. That feeling was completely verified tonight by Chris, a sweaty pocket square come to life.

As he threw tantrum after tantrum, both in front of Becca and behind her back, I wondered if any of these guys are worthy partners. Sure, some have bigger, scarier red flags than the others; but the few who do seem somewhat decent, like John or Blake, don’t get enough screen time to actually confirm whether they are good people or not. Only one stood out to me this week—Wills—but we’ll get to that. First, let’s break down what happened.

We’re in Las Vegas, and the guys have packed their best scoop-neck T-shirts for the occasion. Colton gets the first solo date of the week, and it’s a doozy: He meets Becca at the Virgin River for a “safari” which is really just riding camels in the desert while two less-than-enthused dusty dudes guide the animals. Colton seems…thrilled. This, uh, romantic journey leads them to a random hot tub the producers have lugged out into the middle of the camel pen.

Question: What do the camel guys do while these two dodos drink Chardonnay and make out in a hot tub? Sit in an air-conditioned van nearby? Feed the camels? Watch? TBH, I’m more invested in their afternoon than Becca and Colton’s conversation. I just don’t trust him after the whole Tia drama!

It must have gone well, though, because Becca wears her best sequined dress—and she has a lot of sequined dresses—to dinner that night.

Colton shares his big sob story: He’s only said “I love you” once before, to a girlfriend who didn’t say it back and then broke up with him. That’s it? Seems contrived to me, but Becca gives him a rose.

The next day is a group date with Wills, Garrett, Blake, John, Connor, Leo, Lincoln, Jason, and Chris. The fellas wonder where they’re headed, and Garrett hopes there’s some “banana hammock” action involved, to which I say: Oh hell no. Leave Magic Mike Live to the professionals, please.

Instead, the date is at the home of Mr. Vegas himself: Wayne Newton. But as he gave everyone a tour of his home, I realized I don’t know that much about Newton. So, I Googled for more. I wish I hadn’t because some of the first stories that came up were this and this. Sigh.

Anyway, the purpose of this date: The guys have to write a song for Becca. Bachelorette producers, we’ve already done this date this season! With Chris and Richard Marx! How could you forget?

Side note: The most exciting part about the group date is Wills’ floral two-piece set.

Chris is feeling confident because he’s already done this before. He’s so confident, in fact, that he jumps right into singing. Kudos to the editors for juxtaposing that with peacocks squawking in response. It doesn’t bode well for the big twist: The guys must perform their songs in front of a live audience that night.

When the performances roll around, even adorable matching tuxedos can’t help these dudes from butchering their songs. Not a one had talent, though I am impressed that they were all game to power through the humiliation. Chris does the best crowd work, mostly by insulting Arie.

After, they get the entire T-Mobile Arena to themselves, which is both excessive and kinda awesome. Chris is unbothered that the other guys are getting alone time with Becca because he thinks his performance has made him “one of the top front runners,” apparently.

He should be a little bothered, though, because the other guys are making more progress. Especially Blake, who tells Becca that he’s falling in love with her. She responds by saying, “I like hearing that” and giving him the date rose—before she’s even talked to Chris. This gesture leaves Chris “shook.” So shook, that he spends the rest of the night whining about it and making empty threats that he’s going to pack his bags and leave. Dude, she’s good without you. Just go.

The next morning, we learn that Connor looks cute in glasses. Oh, and Jordan and David are going on the dreaded two-on-one date.

They get in a Jeep and off-road to their destination: a bed in the middle of “the Valley of Fire” with a VERY LARGE CRYSTAL next to the date rose. I don’t think there are enough large healing crystals in the world to smooth over David and Jordan’s hatred of each other. This suspicion is immediately proven by David, who wastes no time at all throwing Jordan under the bus to Becca.

Naturally, Becca doesn’t like to hear that Jordan might be “settling” for her, so she confronts him about it right away. Jordan denies all of it, of course, and stomps over to David to call him out.

Both huff and puff until Becca tells them they’re acting like sixth graders, which is an insult to sixth graders. This still doesn’t stop David and Jordan from bickering so Becca finally calls it: David should go home. She’s going to continue the date with Jordan, but she’s not ready to give him a rose quite yet.

With that, Becca and Jordan drive away in the Jeep. David’s stuck out in the desert alone with no ride home, and I’m very concerned that a man who dresses in a chicken suit has the necessary survival skills to make it out of there alive with just a half-drunken bottle of champagne for sustenance.

Moving on: For their evening date Becca hopes she and Jordan can reach a deeper level of their relationship, but he spends most of it talking about himself. When he leans in for a kiss, Becca laughs it off. And shocker: She decides to send Jordan home too. She watches a romantic firework display, alone, as Jordan ponders why she dumped him. The men cheer as his bags get taken away.

The next night, at the cocktail party, Becca grabs Chris first to talk. She’s confused because he made literally no effort to see her during the group date, and she heard that he wants to leave. He doesn’t do himself any favors when they sit down and he “jokes” that she owes him, like, 50,000 kisses. When she confronts him, he gives bullshit excuses so stupid Becca eventually leaves because the conversation is going nowhere.

Note: Can we talk about how good Wills’ plaid suit is? He’s got the best fashion and nobody’s acknowledging it, so here I am acknowledging it.

After venting and crying to Colton and Garrett, Chris decides he’s not ready to give up—oh, so now you’re a man of action—and interrupts Wills’ conversation with Becca. He asks to steal her away, but Becca tells him no because she and Wills just sat down. Chris begs again. So, Wills—very calmly and sexily, I will add—tells Chris he’ll give him two minutes, but then he’s coming right back. Will walks away in his beautiful suit, waits the agreed upon two minutes, and then comes back. Chris whines and pleads, but Wills stands his ground. Why is Chris’ time any more important than his? If I were Becca, I’d be 100% team Wills. Chris, you are:

Chris acts soooo put upon that Wills won’t give him five more minutes, but, Chris, that’s not the terms you agreed to! Eventually, Becca tells Chris that if he leaves she’ll find him later. He goes away and complains to everyone, but they all take Wills’ side. When Wills returns, he gives Chris a read: “I didn’t have to get up at all.” Smooth.

Becca finally comes back and takes Chris away—his third time with her tonight—so he can continue to grovel and say bullshit. As my husband says, “If you have to do this much explaining, you’re not in the right.”

Still, somehow, fucking Chris gets a rose. HOW. WHY. WHAT. Becca, I demand answers! The other roses go to: Garrett, Jason, Wills, Lincoln, Leo, and Connor (related: why is his shirt so deeply unbuttoned?).

That means sweet, sweet John is going home. I’ll miss you, John! Venmo me!

Next week: “She’s in a such a bad head state right now!” “Stop trying to snake your way out of this!”