We get sent a lot of weird stuff here at Break, people want us to review that we never get around to. (Keep sending us those calamari flavored potato chips!) However, when the good folks at a new app called CamSoda said they wanted to send us a demo of a live streaming “adult entertainment” 360 virtual reality experience we jumped at the chance. It wasn’t a hard choice.
For over the past two years, with the Oculus Rift and other virtual reality helmets going on sale, like any red blooded American male I have been extremely excited about the prospect of VR porn hitting the mainstream. The insane “Lawnmower Man” vision of the future we were promised in the 80’s and 90’s is finally coming true and of course the first thing guys are going to use it for is porn. USA! USA!
“Access denied! Access denied! Access granted!”
My head danced visions of sexy, erotic strippers and porn stars performing all sorts of lude and ludicrous sex acts all around me, and I wouldn’t even have to leave the comfort of my old chair! So I signed up on CamSoda with the username “SockOnDoor” and put a sock on the door.
As part of the press demo I was given free “tokens” that regular users would pay for to get time with the cam girls. Then I convinced the other dudes on the Break team that things weren’t going to get weird while I tried this thing out at work. Yeah, I was wrong. Things got weird. (Sorry Todd.)
If you ever wanted to watch a guy watch porn, here is a video of me tryin’ her out! No judging.
The CamSoda app is designed to work with VR headsets like Google Cardboard and the Samsung Gear VR where you insert your smart phone to see the insertions happening on the screen. They sent us a Mattel View Master, an updated VR version of the same 3D picture gadget kid’s toy we all used as children… but this time optimized for viewing porn. The future is now!
Picture this with a slot for your iPhone.
While I was slipping my phone into the View Master, I guess the cam girls were slipping into something more comfortable. I show up early for everything and had the weird experience of showing up to a VR porn video early. So I got to hang out alone in the room for a little bit before the show started and look around. Instead of looking at a flat two dimensional screen, I was transported from the Break office to some undisclosed warehouse full of cam girls that made me feel like I was witness to the inner workings of a human trafficking ring.
Putting my darkest thoughts aside, I knew some fun, freaky and filthy stuff was about to happen and I’d have a front row seat, so it couldn’t be that bad, right? My view was from the 360 camera positioned in the corner. While wearing the View Master I could look in all directions, even up at the high school florescent lighting and the spinning ceiling fan:
Full disclosure: at a certain point I switched over to using a cardboard VR set I had that came with the new Megadeth album. “Acting like a robot!”
Or I could look down where my feet should be at the cords, cables and power strips on the floor:
I was disappointed that this trash can and pillow were never utilized during my cam session:
They even had one of those sweet TV carts that the AV kid would wheel into class to show a movie. Why does this whole thing keep reminding me of school?
Finally the event started and the girls came in the room. To my left was a bed where two of the women took each other’s clothes off, first revealing and playing with each other’s ample breasts. They then covered each other in oil and went to town, eventually slopping each other’s muffins in a blurry 69.
To my right was a couch where another nude young lady sat the entire time halfheartedly oiling herself up and getting serviced by a robotic arm with a giant dildo attached. Not sure why they needed to make me feel inadequate.
There was a fourth girl keeping an eye on things who never took her clothes off or participated. Maybe she was someone’s cousin and needed a gig? It turns out she was there to read and relay the messages and requests coming in from users on a TV monitor. This was the best part of the experience.
In traditional cam girl style users are able to send suggestions to the room via text chat. So while you are fully strapped into your VR headset, you need a partner manning the computer to send over your requests. Luckily I was watching this live porn session with a room full of guys.
Old Todd Spence jumped on the keyboard, pounding out messages and we asked them to slap the song “We Will Rock You” on their butts- and they totally did! High five.
Next we asked if they could scream the Pledge of Allegiance “directly into her pussy.” They obliged, but my phone froze before we could hear it and I frantically yanked it out of the headset to restart. FAIL. This happened a few times. The other technical issue was that while the image appeared HDish on my phone, once inserted to the headset there was some loss of quality. Basically all the lady bits looked sort of blurry like I was seeing a censored version of live sex right in front of me. Just like that reoccurring nightmare I had as a teenager where I finally got to be with a girl but her genitals were smudged out when she took her clothes off. (That was some serious Freud shit I was dealing with.)
While the two girls were making out on the bed, like the tools we are, we asked: “Are you looking forward to any movies this summer?”
To the horror and dismay of the other CamSoda users this prompted the two lovely ladies to stop making out on the bed and start discussing movies for a bit. One of them said she was looking forward to the new Star Trek movie coming out this summer. Not sure if this was just pandering to the porn viewing audience. Another girl mentioned she was looking forward to her own film coming out later this year. Hopefully her genitals are not blurry in that one.
Break even got a shout out from the naked ladies:
Yay for us!
Finally we asked them if they could role play as Mulder and Scully from The X Files but the girls said they did not know what The X Files were. Kids today, am I right? Then I awkwardly sat there in silence for another half hour “doing research” for this review. Shut up, Todd.
On the one hand, you haven’t lived until you’ve had a blurry butthole in your face. On the other hand virtual reality is a little too real. This brings the average guy behind the scenes to the underbelly of the world of porn that few see in real life. While knocking one out to a porn video is a complete fantasy, being “in the room” in real time with a cam girl can feel clinical and weird. My real life expectations can’t even live up to virtual expectations!
If you are a dude who is already into the whole cam girl scene, CamSoda VR is probably worth checking out. I just imagine what the technology in ten years is going to be like and can’t wait to try that!
Are you excited for VR Porn? Would you try it?
Follow Phil Haney on Twitter @PhilHaney