Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / Cover image: @MarcMaron (Twitter)
Another week means another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your Twitter-loving pleasure.
Give our top 20 tweets of the week a quick glance, enjoy a hearty laugh and then scurry off to your weekend, but first, remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. Their blood, sweat and tweets did not come easily, but again, neither did your weekend.
Tweet yourself to these, then follow us @Mandatory on Twitter.
I added a layer to that “Put your hands in the air” Venn diagram going around. pic.twitter.com/1cvixMOyqg
— Matt Shirley (@mattsurely) August 22, 2018
I also tweet in all caps at 2:10am when I’m completely innocent. https://t.co/7DHiPSeaPB
— beth, an alien™ (@bourgeoisalien) August 23, 2018
If you want millennials to come to Hooters put some real life owls in there. This is not a joke tweet.
— Levon Jihanian (@ForkFrenzy) August 22, 2018
I know there’s a lot of important stuff going on in the world right now but HOW THE FUCK AM I ONLY TODAY LEARNING THE GUY IN THE DONATELLO COSTUME FROM NINJA TURTLES 1 WENT ON TO PLAY THEIR HUMAN ALLY KENO IN NINJA TURTLES 2: SECRET OF THE OOZE???? pic.twitter.com/rVSYqgWtlh
— Dashiell Driscoll (@dashiell) August 23, 2018
JERY: you slid into her DMs??
KRAM: slid RIGHT in
GERG: i never slide. not a slider
KRAM: oh you gotta slide. Thats the whole point of the DMs!
JERY: how about you, you ever slide into the DMs?
ELANE: depends on the D
— Seinfeld Current Day (@Seinfeld2000) August 7, 2018
i had a long talk. with my fren. about how to spot. a fake ball throw. the optimal strategy. is to follow the ball. with your eyes. instead of your heart
— Thoughts of Dog (@dog_feelings) January 27, 2018
My husband and I just sat in our car outside of our house and ate a huge piece of carrot cake because we didn’t want to share it with our kids.
— Lady Lieutenant Columbo (@TacosChallah) August 15, 2018
Oh, no, are we all just pronouncing it “fertographer” now ?
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) August 16, 2018
I ordered a pair of white linen pants for tonight’s @ChiDinerEnBlanc, and they are way too long. So like a true gentleman, I “hemmed” them with magnets. How much class is too much? pic.twitter.com/IVKDxJduPP
— Boozist (@Boozist) August 23, 2018
Last time I saw a Pecker flip this hard was a pool party at Brett Ratner’s FOLKS https://t.co/gsrIjfTJDV
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) August 23, 2018
Subhed of the morning (The Sun): “Kate Garraway recalls moment she breastfed a cow and says ‘it’s not something I’m proud of.’”
— Kurt Loder (@kurt_loder) August 23, 2018
He thought he was ready…he wasn’t.pic.twitter.com/c7zpxbqaXZ
— Someone’s An Idiot (@SomeonesAnIdiot) August 23, 2018
1. price of living
2. price of living
4. price of living https://t.co/TfaAGQ5Bzj
— Sarah Shower (@SJSchauer) August 23, 2018
are snails bugs
— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) November 18, 2012
When Mexican food is in Spanish pic.twitter.com/b7dufxOJZu
— pray the gray away (@theeclarkjones) August 23, 2018
What planet are you living on? Oh, Earth? Hey, cool, me too. Wanna hang out?
— Aryeh Cohen-Wade (@AryehCW) August 23, 2018
It’s one of those shows that, if I’m watching it, I must be in the hospital
— MKupperman (@MKupperman) August 23, 2018
My mother just ended a phone call with, ‘I have to go feed my Iguanas now.’ #florida #endtimes
— marc maron (@marcmaron) August 17, 2018
if I had to choose between spending $14 on a drink or a sandwich I would always choose a sandwich, but for some reason you can’t walk around the club with a roast beef
— Ziwe (@ziwe) August 19, 2018
DEPRESSION UPDATE: sat in my car to finish a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) August 20, 2018
the key to having incredible sex is to accrue over 400 million unrequited crushes on ppl u do not speak to and then to crawl to the woods and quietly pass away like an old golden lab mix 😉
— Patti Harrison (@Party_Harderson) August 19, 2018