Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / @kylieneedham57 (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 6-1-18
Déjà vu means you died in the near future and loaded back up at that checkpoint.
— Jme (@JmeBBK) May 26, 2018
congrats to this dude on his one terrible outfit pic.twitter.com/uGhQg6lh6f
— KT NELSON (@KrangTNelson) May 25, 2018
Watching The Incredibles at age 11: damn Mrs. Incredible is thick
Watching The Incredibles at age 25: damn Mrs. Incredible is thick. Also I have depression now
— lil arab (@maybetomhanks) May 27, 2018
When my dog keeps stopping during his walk to sniff an empty patch of sidewalk for 30 seconds pic.twitter.com/YfdTjelWx5
— Jon Tayler, Smiling Politely (@JATayler) June 1, 2018
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) May 30, 2018
— Craig Robinson (@MrCraigRobinson) May 29, 2018
ME: Your Honor, the law is not real, it is a sociopolitical construct. To declare something “illegal” is to accept that construct.
JUDGE: there’s video footage of you pooping in that ball pit.
— SovCit, Esq. (@CORPORATE_NAME) May 26, 2018
— Goat to Self (@goattoself) May 31, 2018
A diss track is just two grown men sitting in separate rooms, writing poems about each other.
— Andrew Collin (@AndrewTCollin) May 30, 2018
I remember I took a babe to see Age of Ultron. Midway through the movie she leaned over and was like “do you want popcorn? I’ll go get it if you pay” I said yeah and handed her a $20…Not only did she not come back, she got on Snapchat later and was at Cheesecake Factory
— Brokedawg (@Dukeweiser) April 1, 2018
And in that fateful moment, I became exactly what I hated—the type of person who says “no worries” when, in fact, there are a multiplicity of worries.
— jean-paul blartre (@pajamawitch) May 29, 2018
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
— denise (@Stellacopter) May 26, 2018
bob marley ‘get up stand up’ voice:
give up, pic.twitter.com/4qAk1l29Tl
— class wario (@chuchugoogoo) May 25, 2018
In New Jerseyian, “speed limit 55” translates to “if we all go 80 they can’t pull us all over” and I think that’s so beautiful
— els McClean (@elisemckeann) May 24, 2018
I miss the old internet, when if you had something to say you’d just put some sad song lyrics up as your away message and people would be like oh no, what’s going on? and you’d be like nothing, don’t worry about it.
— Ed Winstead (@eswinstead) February 23, 2018
RIP wile e coyote pic.twitter.com/aSa7twwZcA
— FROVO (@fro_vo) May 30, 2018
By age 35 you should have like 2 real friends both of whom live in other states and around 700 online friends with whom your relationship is so tenuous that a simple opinion about a comic book movie could end it instantly.
— MR’A Stoudemire (@Bahbuto) May 21, 2018
Happy 28th anniversary of the Garfield strip where Jon drinks dog semen! pic.twitter.com/BklI6W6mLo
— Ken Jennings (@KenJennings) May 30, 2018
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
— Kylie Needham (@kylieneedham57) May 29, 2018
Squeef: an expulsion of air or gas from your slipper. pic.twitter.com/3wBqTAw1Gc
— Kerry (@Kerry_Pro) June 1, 2018