Right off the top of my head I can name a bunch of jobs that men can do yet women can’t; most are military and restricted due to the fact that very few women (if any) have passed the required training, but there’s also the obvious options like “Male Stripper” and “Gay Porn Star.” I’m all for equal rights and treatment under the law, but until I’m able to show up at Brazzers HQ and demand to have my very first gay porno, “ET: The Extra Testicle,” featured prominently on their site without being laughed out of their offices, I’ll consider feminism to have failed me greatly.
(By the way, in case you were wondering my gay porn name is Luke Thighwalker — the ET flick is a crossover where Elliott walks in on me fisting ET, then threatens to tell his parents until Yoda steps in and uses the force to convince him to join. Yoda doesn’t partake, he just watches. Also, Drew Barrymore makes a cameo appearance as Jar Jar Binks, since the two are almost indistinguishable from one another already.)
As for the jobs that women can do that men can’t, that list is full of super-fun occupations like preschool teacher (what are you, a pedophile?), and gynecologist. Yeah you might like looking at vaginas all day, but do women like men diggin’ around up in our cavernous spelunking centers when there’s 10 million female gynecologists available instead? I don’t think so.
Neither of those are anywhere near as much fun as 34-year-old Tiffany Wright’s job though. As a “professional bridesmaid,” Tiffany’s main task is to run errands for the bride on her big day. Because it’s not like there’s any excess of friends and family around to help the bride out. Nope! Would rather pay Tiffany $156 an hour to do what Uncle Charlie and his 2003 Subaru could do in 20 minutes. And while running errands doesn’t sound like it’s worth that amount of money, Mirror reports that she also deals with family drama, refills the bride’s water glass and even takes the initiative to be the first on the dance floor. Gee whiz, what a rough job.
“I had been to 17 weddings in two years and every time I went, there was a couple of moments when the bride looked really stressed,” Tiffany explains. “After chatting to some friends who were brides, they all told me how there were times when they really needed something, but felt bad asking a bridesmaid to go and run an errand when they’d already done so much.”
Capitalizing on people being pussies, Tiffany started her professional bridesmaid service so that she can “do the brides’ dirty work and take away the stress so that they can still honor their friends who are bridesmaids.” This past summer Tiffany says she even worked for a bride who had so many close friends that she wasn’t able to narrow them down into a bridal party. Instead, the bride hired Tiffany to be her undercover whipping bitch to do all the dirty work while everyone else partied; Tiffany simply posed as a guest while catering to the bride’s every whim.
“My husband thinks I’m crazy,” Tiffany explains, “he works in finance so his job is completely different to mine. But I think I’ve proved everyone wrong, as I made a successful business out of proposals, and now this is doing really well too.”
Would you pay $156 an hour for your fiancé to have a professional bridesmaid? Let us know in the comments!