Didn’t it feel strange that the elephant in the room—contestant Lincoln’s assault conviction—wasn’t addressed at all on tonight’s Men Tell All? It’s not that I expect The Bachelorette to be the most self-aware show on television, or that he’d be there in person, but I thought Chris Harrison would at least say a line or two to assure Bachelor Nation the investigation is ongoing.
According to Chris Harrison, though, that was never an option. “Lincoln was not invited and not welcome here. What he did was illegal and against the law, so that is a very easy call,” he told Glamour in an interview. “There was no chance he was coming here tonight, no chance I wanted to talk to him or hear his side, because there is no side. … We wanted [Men Tell All] to remain about Becca, about the guys, and about this journey. … This wasn’t the time or place.” (For more from our interview, click here.)
So, that answers that. But there was another (non-problematic) contestant who wasn’t present or even addressed: sweet, sweet Clay! He couldn’t make it because of “football stuff,” but I really think the bros could have used his gentle, calming energy in the room. They were so angsty with each other tonight, no?
But we’ll get to that—first, we must discuss the new preview of Bachelor in Paradise that Chris Harrison dropped at the top of the episode. It is, frankly, iconic. So much happens in so little time: Tia’s in a love triangle with Colton and Chris; Grocery Joe maybe-probably finds love with Kendall; “everyone thinks Shushanna is a witch.” It’s so fun, I’m ready to wrap up these Bachelorette storylines so we can move on to all the BiP “glitter and tears” Krystal’s promising. Luckily, there’s not too much longer to wait: It premieres on Tuesday, August 7. See you then! (You know I’ll be recapping.)
After that promo, Chris Harrison introduces the guys, and Wills’ Final Rose-colored red boots deserve a special shout out. I appreciate a man who can dress on theme.
“Where do you start with this buffet?” – Chris Harrison
Things kick off with a discussion of the freakout Chris (the other one, not Harrison) had in Las Vegas. He says he felt like he deserved more quality time with Becca because their connection was further along than the other guys, but admits he overreacted. Connor, Leo, and Wills are basically like, yeah, you were a brat, and Jordan ends the conversation with this gem: “You can’t be Mister Right Reasons if you treat the Bachelorette wrong.”
Next, Chris asks Jean Blanc about that whole “I have feelings for you, just kidding I don’t” moment—but before JB can even speak, Colton jumps in and says, “No matter what you say right here…you lied to every one of us.” The two get in a heated back-and-forth, which escalates when Jean Blanc insults Colton’s virginity, saying, “Colton, you’re acting like a BLEEP but you’ve never been BLEEP, so what’s going on?” Some guys look genuinely shocked, but a few laugh—which bums me out because it’s 100% not cool to make fun of a person’s sexual history.
“Do you think they’ll actually tell all? Or just some?” – My husband with the jokes.
Colton also gets in a tiff with Jordan over his “behavior,” but Jordan fires back that Colton is one to talk given his relationship with Tia before the show started. This turns into a quibble over whether or not it was offensive that Jordan wore golden underwear to a cocktail party, and Christon chimes in with the best point: Becca gave Jordan a rose for it, so who cares?
David, apparently, still cares a lot. Nick puts it best when he tells David, “After watching the show, I thought you were there for Jordan, not Becca, because his name is all that came out of your mouth.” David admits he should have put more energy into his relationship with Becca—uh, you think?—and Jason correctly points out that David bullied Jordan a lot.
But then! Some man sitting in the back adds his two cents, but I don’t hear what he says because I was too distracted wondering if he was actually a contestant or just some random who wandered onto set. (We find out later, thanks to Chris Harrison, this person is someone named “Christian.”) When “Christian” gets up from his seat to confront Jordon or whatever, he reveals the tightest high-water pants I’ve ever seen. Like, full-on capris! With a tuxedo jacket! Wills would never.
The fight is going nowhere, so Chris Harrison tells Jordan he can have the last word. Instead of using it to explain himself, Jordan just does his take on the below Half Baked scene to all the guys:
And though were were just told that was going to be Jordan’s “last word,” he then gets a whole montage dedicated to his journey, followed by a solo sit down with Chris Harrison. It ends up being more of the same, though we get to hear from my beloved Grocery Store Joe for the first time. (Basically, he likes Jordan because he thinks he’s funny.) Jordan also reveals that he wore the damn gold underpants to the show before immediately doing a mini-strip tease to show them off. A small number of women in the audience scream like it’s Magic Mike Live, while Chris Harrison mumbles, “Even I don’t get paid enough for that.” (But you do, Chris. You do.)
When we return from the commercial break, my darling Grocery Store Joe, the most joyful part of this season, gets his own hilariously short montage. According to Chris Harrison, Joe’s one of the few early-eliminated contestants who’s been able to sustain fan interest. That’s because his eyes sparkle! And he gives sheepish grins! And he says things like, “Whaddaya wanna know?” in a thick deep dish pizza-soaked accent. Still, Joe says his experience on The Bachelorette was “pretty bad.” It seems like his time on Bachelor in Paradise, however, is more successful.
Wills is next on the hot seat. There’s a montage intended to be about his relationship with Becca, but really is a full recap of his best fashion lewks. Wills doesn’t seem to have the same perspective, though, because he tears up watching it all back. (Unless the lewks are just that good?) “She had to live her truth,” he says of Becca dumping him. “I have to respect it.” Chris transitions the talk to fashion—finally!—and Wills says he gets it from his dad.
When Colton takes the stage next, he talks about his love for Becca (real) and his relationship with Tia (undetermined). Eventually, of course, Chris Harrison brings up Colton’s virginity. Apparently Becca got some backlash for leaving the table after Colton’s reveal, but Colton says he didn’t take it as a sign of disrespect. He felt she was not judgmental, unlike Jean Blanc’s comment earlier in the night. He tears up as he talks about how hard it was to be an athlete and feeling pressure to hide this side of himself. “It’s sort of sad that it’s viewed as baggage or a red flag,” he explains. (Read more with Colton here.) Despite their disagreement earlier, Jordan sweetly tells Colton that he respects him for staying true to himself.
Next, Jason gets his time in the sun. His hair is looking better, he’s got a nice blue suit, and he’s in a good place. He even wants to be friends with Becca someday. Though he didn’t get the closure he was looking for, Jason says he’s happy Becca did. When Chris Harrison mentions his brother and brother-in-law—who should get their own spin-off, honestly—Jason quotes Oprah: “Love is love is love.” Chris Harrison wraps their conversation with a lil gossip: According to Becca, he’s the best kisser of the group.
“She forgot my name—everyone remember that?—but after I kissed her, she never forgot my name!” – Jason
Finally, Becca comes out and admits she’s a little nervous. Maybe it’s because she’s not in a signature sequins? You’re in a room full of your exes—if that’s not the perfect opportunity to look hot in a sparkly dress, what is?
Anyway, Jason kicks things off by asking Becca how he can improve so he knows for future relationships. (Aw.) Becca tells him to never change; it’s not him or anything he did, she just wasn’t The One. They hug it out. Wills also asks what went wrong, and Becca says essentially the same thing: Nothing, she just didn’t want to bring his family into the picture if she wasn’t quite there in her feelings.
Regarding the Colton-Tia situation, Becca says they’re still friends and she’s sad Tia has gotten so much hate on social media about Colton.
Then, Jean Blanc asks to come up on stage. He apologizes for how they ended things, Becca accepts, and he gives her, of course, a fragrance. “It’s actually made with real bits of broken hearts,” Chris Harrison quips. “And tears!”
After a quick check in with Jordan and Joe, Chris Harrison gives the other Chris the floor. He apologizes to Becca for being entitled and disrespectful, before bringing out a gospel choir to sing, “Chris was a jerk! … Chris just wants to say sorry!” Chris is a jerk, yes, but even I would be a sucker for that.
The episode ends with bloopers and a sneak peek at next week’s finale. See you then!