There’s a guy who frequents the bar I work at who likes to complain about how long his dry spell is. He’s not a bad looking dude, and if he didn’t spend his entire visit complaining about how none of the women there (or anywhere) want to sit on his face I would honestly question why he isn’t getting laid. Occasionally he’ll try to make a move on some poor unsuspecting girl, and it typically starts in one of three ways:
1. He walks up, stutters, then asks a random question like “Where are you from?” without any introduction.
2. He’ll sit behind them and say “Hey…hey…hey…” until she turns around, by which point she’ll have already decided to GTFO before he starts sniffing her hair (he hasn’t actually done this, but I wouldn’t put it past him.)
3. He has me send a drink to a girl sitting down the bar. She takes the drink and walks away (this has no bearing on him as a person — it’s just a shitty move that only works if the girl you send the drink to is polite and feels obligated to talk to your thirsty ass after receiving the cheapest rail available.)
Sadly, I have only seen him leave with a lady once, and said lady would’ve lost to Harambe in a beauty pageant. If only he knew that writing his Snapchat name down on a piece of paper and sliiiiiding it over to a girl was the only foolproof way to get laid — oh wait, except it’s not and the only person this ever worked on was 23-year-old Alaina Ferguson, a former Plano Senior High School teacher.
According to Fox4News, Alaina taught algebra at Plano Senior High School for only two months before she quit in October. You’d think that two months wouldn’t be a long enough stay for her to get herself into trouble, yet in that short time span she managed to begin an inappropriate relationship with one of the 16-year-old students in her class; all because he wrote his Snapchat username on a test and gave it to Alaina.
For the record, not all 23-year-olds are this stupid. I too am 23, and I only bang minors when they give me their Whatsapp name, not their Snapchat. I have standards.
The two began chatting online, and shortly thereafter Fox4News reports that the pair met up in Lewisville and had sex on a park bench. Two weeks later they met up at Alaina’s fiancé’s apartment and had sex “several times” there as well, because if getting porked on a park bench isn’t classy, then fucking in your husband-to-be’s bed surely is.
Hindsight being 20/20, Alaina is quoted as having told the teen that “she knew it was not the right thing to do, but it felt right at the time. And that she was going to break it off with her fiancé because she didn’t feel anything with him.” Even though I’ve been shitting on Alaina up until now, I have to admit I know what she’s talking about; I feel that way every time I hit plate #8 on a bottomless food brunch menu. Did I just compare statutory rape to eating salmon benedict? Maybe. But we all know that feeling where the waiter puts a plate down, you’re too full from apps so you’re like “Eh,” but you eat it anyway because only the devil and anorexics waste food, and you sir, are neither.
The last time Alaina and the unnamed student supposedly had sex was in the back of the student’s pickup truck after a football game in early November; their relationship was discovered shortly afterwards. Alaina has not only been charged with sexual assault, but her bond is set at $100,000 and she has been banned from using the Internet and must deactivate her social media accounts. As for her fiancé, he’s left and called off the wedding. Good riddance.