Every family on tonight’s Riverdale episode did something shady. Like, I don’t even know who to trust anymore. I can’t even trust my own mother after watching this craziness. Here’s what happened—and spoilers ahead, obviously.
Remember the bloody, mangled dead body sprawled out on the Cooper’s floor from last week? Well, it’s still there, but we learn it was Chic—not Alice—who killed him. Alice is mopping up the blood like a madwoman, and Betty’s crying and pouting and asking her mom if she can “help.” Ya know, normal Betty behavior. Chic’s sitting at the table scowling, even though he’s the one who killed this guy in cold blood. Who knew a pretty blonde family could have so many problems?
Not as many problems as Archie, though, who’s getting grilled by “Special Agent Adams” about Hiram Lodge potentially killing Papa Poutine. Archie’s playing dumb (which isn’t hard for him), and the agent’s pissed.
Meanwhile, Hal Cooper comes home mere seconds after Betty and Alice finish mopping up all the blood on their floor. Just routine house chores! Hal’s suspicious, but goes on his merry way. Jughead calls Betty, and he can tell she’s acting weird. But, like, he has no room to judge because 1) His name is Jughead and 2) He wears the same beanie every day. (Oh, and P.S.: Hal is staying with Penelope Blossom. They’re clearly boning, and I’m uncomfortable.)
Now we’re with F.P. and Jughead, who are blabbering about the Serpents and General Pickens’ head and other shit this show spends way too much time on that I don’t care about. F.P. doesn’t know Jughead sent the head to Hiram Lodge, which is treated like some big plot point, but I’m over here like, “Where TF is Cheryl?” Veronica suggests to Hiram a sit-down meeting with the Serpents to settle their differences, so it looks like, yet again, we’re going to spend 90 percent of the episode on this nonsense and not on Betty’s brush with web-camming.
LOL, Chic and Alice are eating breakfast the next morning after disposing of that dude’s body like everything is just hunky dory. Betty’s still shook and rejects her mother’s chocolate chip pancakes because she “doesn’t like them” (i.e.: “is a monster”).
At school, Jughead furrows his brow at the idea of him and F.P. sitting down with Hiram for a conference. He agrees, but only if Hiram comes to Sunny Side Trailer Park on the South Side. Veronica OKs those terms, and as all this is happening Archie dodges a call from “Special Agent Adams.” God, I’m bored.
But now I’m not: My savior Kevin just ran in to tell the Core Four about a gruesome murder that happened, and Betty thinks he’s referring to the guy Chic killed. He’s referring to Papa Poutine, though, so she’s relieved for now. But then she goes to the bathroom and throws up and bumps into, thank God, Cheryl Blossom, who benevolently asks Betty if she needs help. What a humanitarian!
Veronica thinks her dad is responsible for Papa Poutine’s murder—cough, she’s right—but Archie talks her off the ledge by widening his eyes and saying some doofy, lovey crap.
Because this show jumps narratives like a kid on a playground, we’re now with Jughead, who’s basically grilling Mayor McCoy about why the trailer park, the drive-in, and South Side High have all been overtaken by a third party. He posits Hiram Lodge is responsible and accuses Mayor McCoy of accepting bribes to make these acquisitions happen—all of which is true, but I have a hard time believing a kid named Jughead would be able to put all that together.
Special Agent Adams gives Archie an envelope full of cash, which entices him to go ask Hiram questions about Papa Poutine. When the hell did this become a crime mob show? I’m over it. Where are Archie’s abs? And Betty’s tears? Veronica straight-up asks Hiram if he had anything to do with Papa Poutine’s death. He says no, but I think he’s lying. Hiram’s always lying and always being hot! It’s who he is!
Turns out, the Cooper women stashed that dead guy’s body in a sewer cave, and Betty goes there to stare at it because of course she does. She just can’t chill and study for the SATs like a normal 17-year-old. She has to agonize over dead bodies! She notices the dead guy has 47 missed calls, so Betty steals his phone. Again, typical meddling Betty messiness.
Also, Chic is a full-on psychopath. Betty does some digging and finds out the man he killed was a drug dealer—not one of his “clients.” When Betty confronts Chic about this, he starts fake crying…which Alice buys! And then Alice reprimands Betty in another room as Chic devilishly grins! He’s like Krystal on the Bachelor!
The sit-down with F.P., Jughead, and Hiram goes just as well as you’d expect. Hiram plays innocent and dumb and offers to pay the Sunny Side Trailer Park back rent in exchange for “peace”—and Jughead keeping his name out of the exposé he’s writing. They don’t agree, which means…this is going to keep being a plot point.
But we’re on Cheryl now, praise be. She confronts Penelope about seeing Hal, but Penelope contends their relationship is real and for Cheryl to stay out of it. Wait, that’s all the dialogue Cheryl gets? And Jughead’s getting thousands of lines? Who do I sue? Later, Cheryl goes directly to Hal and tells him to cut the shit.
Also, things aren’t going well with Mayor McCoy and the Lodges in light of Jughead’s article. Hiram and Hermione want to announce their plans for South Side High, but McCoy wants them to wait until after she’s reelected. They have a tense fight, which Veronica overhears, and Hiram and Hermione decide they’re going to blackmail McCoy into doing what they want. They know about her affair with Sheriff Keller and are planning to expose it. I’m so bored by this subplot because we still don’t know what these “plans” are for South Side, and the ambiguity is really making things confusing.
Archie then comes home to find Special Agent Adams with his father, so some fuckery’s about to unfold there. The agent realizes Archie’s protecting Hiram Lodge, so he threatens to arrest Fred Andrews for some ancillary crap if he doesn’t plant a bug in Hiram’s office. Of course, Archie’s failing at this FBI intel thing. He’s only good at football and having red hair! Archie agrees to plant the bug.
Betty the Crusader is now calling everyone in the drug dealer’s phone trying to learn more about him. She then receives a call from a woman, presumably this dude’s girlfriend, who starts chewing out Betty for being the “slut” he’s cheating on her with. So, yup, that’s where we’re at. Betty tells Jughead about all of this, and during their chat they realize the dead man’s car is still parked outside the Cooper house. LOL, that Alice bleached the apples in her friggin’ house but didn’t think about this guy’s car. They later go and dump the car in a river.
The next day, Hal Cooper stops by the house…and Chic is the only one there. He starts heavily interrogating Chic about what he’s doing in the house, but Betty jets home and comes to Chic’s defense. Why that is is a mystery, seeing as how she’s spooked by the drug deal murder. Betty threatens to tell her mother about Hal’s affair with Penelope if he doesn’t back off from Chic. (In the scene right before this, Cheryl told her.)
Veronica warns Mayor McCoy about her parents’ plan, and she resigns as a result. Hiram asks Veronica if she tipped McCoy off, and she straight-up denies it.
Archie does the exact opposite of this, though: He goes to Hiram and tells him that the FBI threatened to hurt Fred Andrews if he didn’t plant a bug in his office. Hiram says he’s going to “take care of things,” so someone’s about to die.
Update: He doesn’t take care of things…Hermione does. Apparently, she’s the boss, which I’m into. Hermione tells Archie that this was all a test: Agent Adams isn’t real. He was hired by the Lodges to test how loyal Archie is to their family. And he passed the test. Alright, they’re all crazy.
But not as crazy as the Coopers. Alice and Betty decide they’re in over their heads with this murder and go to F.P. for help. He then buries the body alive and covers it in sodium hydroxide. As this is happening, Chic’s home, manically cutting Hal out of a Cooper family photo. Good to know his motives!