This January, Nick Viall is headed to Bachelor Nation for the 27,000th time in an attempt to find love. Will he be successful? We don’t know for sure, but we do know which of his potential bachelorettes seem the coolest. ABC released information about the 30 women competing for Viall’s heart next season, and a few tidbits about some of the ladies raised our eyebrows. A lot of them want to be mermaids and genuinely enjoy the movie Step Brothers. WTF? In order to help Viall, we ranked this season’s Bachelor contestants based on our concerns and red flags. Do you agree with us? Let us know your preliminary faves in our non-existent comment section!
The Green Zone: No Red Flags in Sight
Concerns: None. In fact, she wins because she recognizes that Britney Spears is the queen.
Concerns: None. She stans for Beyoncé.
Concerns: None. Frasier, the smartest sitcom of all time, is her “guilty pleasure” television show. In other words, she’s probably a genius.
Danielle L., 27
Concerns: None. She likes Glee and recognizes that A Walk to Remember is way better than The Notebook.
Danielle M., 31
Concerns: None. Her favorite fictional character is Hermione Granger.
Concerns: None. She actually seems badass. She catered the Oscars and likes to benchpress her dates.
Concerns: None. She rightfully hates spiders and loves Superwoman.
Concerns: None. She’s not afraid to admit her love for Justin Bieber, and I appreciate her honesty.
Concerns: None. She goes hard for cheap hair products and would trade places with Blue Ivy. Wouldn’t we all?
Concerns: None. She smartly responded to the “What fruit would you be?” question with a “disgusting” one so people wouldn’t eat her. She wants to have a Freaky Friday moment with Stephen Hawking and likes musicals. Our kind of gal.
Concerns: None. She wants to trade places with Fiona from Shrek and can make her own clothes—resourceful AF.
The Yellow Zone: You’re Probably Safe, but Still Proceed With Caution Because Who Knows WTF Those ABC Producers Will Do
Concerns: Chose “onion” when asked what vegetable she’d be.
Concerns: Can’t live without Chapstick or socks. Socks.
Concerns: Lists 2012 as one of her favorite movies, but she gets a pass because her dream dinner party is with Jesus, her grandfather, and Leonardo DiCaprio at Chipotle.
Concerns: She’s afraid of butterflies, but she also briefly moved to China to build schools and teach orphans, so it cancels out.
Concerns: Would invite Joe Jonas to her fantasy dinner.
Concerns: Thinks that Carrie Bradshaw “has a big heart” and is “loyal to her friends.” She is neither of these things.
Concerns: Also likes Carrie Bradshaw.
Concerns: Thought essentially doing the bend and snap for her crush was a good idea. It’s not.
Concerns: None, but maybe likes Forever 21 a little too much?
The Red Zone: The Call Is Coming From Inside the House
Concerns: She is an “aspiring dolphin trainer” and can’t live without her fake eyelashes or whitening strips. Also, E.T., a fictional character, is her biggest fear.
Concerns: She can’t live without her “hair tie” (???), and her favorite movie is Ace Ventura. She also might not like Batman?
Concerns: The Other Woman is her second favorite movie. Also can’t live without her fake eyelashes.
Elizabeth “Liz,” 29
Concerns: Her guilty pleasure is picking her nose. Golf “angers” her. Prioritizes floss over fresh air.
Concerns: Prioritizes fresh fruit over French fries.
Ida Marie, 23
Concerns: Her favorite snack is Cheetos “with a pickle.” Genuinely enjoys The Wedding Ringer and Step Brothers. Admits that she needs to read more books. Thinks strawberries are sexual. (Are they?)
Jasmine B., 25
Concerns: Her guilty pleasure is “cracking [her] neck.”
Jasmine G., 29
Concerns: JG is the biggest question mark of them all! She says she is the female version of Guy Fieri and would buy socks if she won the lottery. Socks! But she also loves A League of Their Own and would invite RuPaul, Prince, and Dave Chappelle to her dream lunch: a pizza party. I don’t know what to think!
Concerns: She lists her “super soft vintage Hall & Oates T-shirt” and “Chapstick” before her family when asked what she can’t live without. Her favorite movie is also Step Brothers.
Concerns: She used to mimic the choreography on Dancing With the Stars. Mentions more than once that she would like to break into the White House to find out “what actually goes on back there.” Might be a spy?