Happy Star Wars Day, you scruffy-looking nerf herders. May the Fourth be with you.
Star Wars has now been going strong for 40 years and is so iconic that you’re considered a nerd if you haven’t seen the movies. With such generation-spanning popularity, surely Star Wars is bereft of silly moments to make fun of, right? Wrong.
As much as I love Star Wars, even I must admit that the franchise has had its laughable, ridiculous and dumb moments. Here are five of them.
5. Anakin Builds C3P0
Qui-Gon Jinn, Padme and Jar Jar Binks *washes mouth out with hydrochloric acid* are on Tatooine looking for ship parts in The Phantom Menace. As a sand storm approaches, they take shelter in the home of Anakin Skywalker, who shows off a protocol droid he’s building that happens to be C3PO. Ugh.
I’m all for connective tissue between the first two trilogies, but this is such a shameless attempt at squeezing fan nostalgia that it just comes off as lazy and stupid. I don’t care if Anakin is the Chosen One, no nine-year-old slave is capable of programming a droid that is fluent in over six million languages. Plus, we all get a new iPhone every year; there’s no way C3PO isn’t obsolete sixty years from now.
4. Ewoks Defeat the Empire
I hate Ewoks. They’re the worst. Thank god we have a generational replacement in Baby Groot.
It just doesn’t make sense that the Ewoks would be able to defeat the Empire’s forces near the end of Return of the Jedi. That’s like saying a bunch of 12-year-olds with slingshots could successfully storm an American embassy overseas. It ain’t happening.
Also, how does a rock thrown by a two-foot tall bear kill an armor-clad Stormtrooper? It doesn’t make any goddamn sense! Screw you, Ewoks.
3. Finding Kamino
In Attack of the Clones, Obi Wan takes a mysterious dart to Dex, an alien diner owner, because no one in the Jedi Order can identify its origins. Dex immediately recognizes the tech and even reveals that it comes from Kamino. Obi Wan goes back to do some research and, whaddyaknow, the planet has been erased from the Jedi Archives.
First of all, it would be possible for anyone to conceal the existence of an entire planet, not when everyone has access to galaxy-hopping ships. Second, for this to make sense, every single map in the galaxy would have to be missing Kamino, or Obi Wan could’ve just popped into the local space library and found it immediately. Third, are you really telling me that the Jedi Order, which has stood for thousands of years collecting all of the knowledge in the universe, couldn’t identify this dart but a seedy diner owner could pinpoint it in a matter of seconds?
Jeez, no wonder the Jedi Council was blindsided by Palpatine, they’re a bunch of morons.
2. Luke’s Plan to Rescue Han
Back to Return, where Luke is just moments away from being fed into the Sarlacc Pit. Just when all (new) hope seems lost, Luke signals to R2D2 who launches his lightsaber for him and Luke whoops a lot of ass.
This plan is friggin’ bonkers and would never work (even if it is really cool when it goes down). There are just too many specific details Luke would have to know in advance that are impossible to guarantee. He’s placing a big gamble on his execution coming via Sarlaac Pit, which seems strange given that he didn’t seem to know about the Rancor. He’s also betting on R2 not only not being searched, but also being used as a service droid so that he’s in a position to lend an assist at Luke’s execution. What if Jabba had thrown him into storage?
Leaving a lot up to chance, don’t ya think?
1. Forgiving Vader
Luke believes all along that there’s still good left in his father, and his faith is rewarded when Vader saves his son and kills the Emperor. Hurray!
But, like, wasn’t Vader involved in the destruction of Alderaan? And didn’t he spend the last 20-plus years hunting down and killing the remaining Jedi while helping to install a tyrannical and oppressive galactic regime? Oh, and didn’t he personally slaughter a whole bunch of kids?
At this point, the dude’s body count is somewhere in the vicinity of 7 billion. Luke, buddy, I know you want to spend some quality time with your dad…but your dad is space Hitler.