Couple of tourists booking hotel online. Photo: AntonioGuillem (Getty)
For those of you in shock that such a thing as Rent-A-Friend exists–and those of you appalled you haven’t been hired –it got us curious just how much the very best of friends is worth. While some friends are good for moving day and a quick lunch, there are other friendly tasks that go above and beyond. How much are you willing to spend, say, if you were to need a hand burying a body on a whim? Let’s find out!
We’ve broken friendships up into ten obvious price brackets, but we’re curious if you’d pay more (or if you actually believe you have friends who would do this shit for free).
$0 (and a free lunch)
Moving day seems like a low-rank friend situation. Then again, it takes the best of friends to actually show up and waste free time sweating, getting yelled at and generally being unappreciated, all for a free lunch (if you’re lucky).
Tummy Sticks, Night Crawlers and TV Tag all seem like entry-level fun, but it’s all just embarrassing enough you couldn’t get anybody to do it for free. Well, not without plenty of booze, at least.
“I don’t have the time or courage to explain, but I’m stuck in a bathroom without any pants. Can you help me?” That is the sound you will hear right before the other person hangs up. If it’s a text, you’ll see the “read” time stamp with no reply (unless you have serious dirt on someone).
I absolutely love brunch, but nobody ever invites me. Maybe it’s basically I brown out on colorful beverages and sing Coldplay’s most EDM-type songs on the table. Basically, you’d have to cover the cost of the meal — barring zero expense — along with Lyft rides and tip included. You can’t really put a price on a good brunch (even though we just did).
$200-300 (and free drinks)
If you need a date to a wedding, but everyone knows you’re the worst at weddings, it’s going to cost you. Luckily, you have the open-bar card to play. Just be careful, as we’ve become horribly aware that crashing weddings is nothing like the fricking movies.
Go out with me where my ex works and reenact the Lady & The Tramp spaghetti scene. That’s all; not asking too much. (We will use as many Charlie Kelly GIFs as we can find.)
Monthly fee for proofreading all the drunk texts is actually a steal of a deal, considering the number of monthly regrets you have, all of which can be retraced to a bottle of Boone’s Farm and an empty box of tissues.
Holding a stranger’s hand while they’re in labor seems a bit extreme, but it’s not an experience you’d ever want to go through alone. It’s extra if you supply the mojo juice, but you can always try to get your insurance to pay for that. It’s a lot extra if they stand at the opposite end, too.
Helping a friend bury a body is almost something you can’t put a price on (probably because you’re alone on that one). If you tried renting a friend, might we suggest getting a group rate and making it quick and easy on yourself? Chances are you’ll have to kill them, too, eventually. Just make sure you do it before your payment goes through.
Priceless (but also a free dog)
Most dog rescues are horribly strict about who they allow to have a dog. I’ve been a pet owner my entire life and was denied a sweet pup who was hit by a car. I drove in Friday during L.A. traffic for three hours (that’s love) just to meet him, offered to foster and take him to physical therapy multiple times each week and was still denied on my birthday for not having a backyard.
Setting dogs who need good homes free from such prick assholes is the least you could do as a friend. If nothing else, do it out of the goodness of your heart. Plus, you get a free puppy!
And that, my rent-a-friends, is the most priceless friendship of all.