For everyone eighteen and under, Dwayne Johnson’s Baywatch hitting theaters on May 25 just looks like a fun, funny and sexy beach-related action comedy. But for slightly older millennials, the movie represents so, so much more.
I don’t want to be crass here, but for millions of adolescent boys, the Baywatch TV series that premiered in 1989 was an awakening of certain…feelings. You know what, screw it: Baywatch gave us all our first stiffies and it was glorious. Needless to say, we have a lot of fond memories of the original and find it impossible to believe anything could top it.
But, for the sake of fairness, let’s at least compare the leading ladies.
Original: Pamela Anderson (C.J. Parker)
Be still my beating heart.
Anderson appeared as the cover girl on Playboy magazine’s 1989 issue and was subsequently chosen as the Playmate of the Month in their February 1990 issue. Following this man-making explosion onto the scene, Anderson had breast implant surgery to come up to a 34D.
In 1992, she won the role of C.J. Parker on Baywatch. She was 25, blonde and knew how to run in slow-motion better than anyone ever. I have a theory that her character’s popularity had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that all of America had seen her naked and everything to do with Baywatch’s superior writing and character development. Don’t challenge me on this, I will fight you!
Anderson would remain with the show until 1997, making her one of the longest serving cast members. Of all the actresses on this list, it’s hard seeing any matching Anderson’s overall star power. She reigned supreme as The Babe for a long time.
New: Alexandra Daddario (Summer Quinn)
Alexandra Daddario began making a name for herself in the first season of True Detective where she played the crazy hot young woman Woody Harrelson bangs. She also shows off her jumbalees, which are…euphoric? Heavenly? Whatever word makes you feel like you’re floating on a cloud, that’s what they were.
Since then, Daddario has also starred in San Andreas. She is 31 and an absolute perfect specimen. In fact, I’m starting to come around on this new Baywatch. I still need to see her run in slow motion before I make a final judgment.
Original: Yasmine Bleeth (Caroline Holden)
Oh Yasmine Bleeth, you beautiful, bodacious goddess. No wonder Joey and Chandler argued over who was hotter in Friends. It all makes perfect sense now.
Bleeth starred in Ryan’s Hope from 1985-1989 and scored small roles in other projects before joining Baywatch in 1993. Like Anderson, she was 25 at the time and it was obviously her deeply nuanced acting that won her the gig.
Bleeth brought a sultry, smoldering, exotic hotness to Baywatch that complimented Anderson’s all-American-girl good looks.
On an unrelated note, I need to go clear my browser history.
New: Kelly Rohrbach (C.J. Parker)
Kelly Rohrbach has the unenviable task of trying to fill Anderson’s shoes as the next C.J. Parker. She’s got the body and the blonde hair, though she may be slightly lacking in the chestal region. Still, she’s a dime with a swimmers body, which will come in handy considering how many people drown on the Baywatch beach.
Rohrbach has enjoyed small roles in popular TV series such Two and a Half Men and Broad City, but Baywatch is her true breakout opportunity. Known more for stunning modeling – she was named the 2015 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Rookie of the Year – this will be her first real test on screen.
Rohrbach is 27 and if Baywatch is a hit, an entirely new generation of horny young boys will have her to thank.