Well friends, it’s a Monday night, and you know what that means: I’m on my couch with a Diet Coke and a Taylor Swift song stuck in my head (and NOT the Taylor Swift song you’re thinking of!) ready to recap the nonsense that is Bachelor in Paradise. But first, a query: What if the theme song to this program were Green Day’s “Welcome to Paradise?” Would that change the viewing experience? Please discuss in your reading groups; this will be an essay question on the final at the end of the term.
As you may remember from last week, Danielle M. left the beach to
de-worm orphans in Somalia provide healthcare to children in Africa, even though she shared a steamy kiss with bartender Wells. New blood on the beach threw all the couples into a tailspin, but mostly Lacey. Everyone loves Matt. Ben is obsessed with his dog. No one is allowed to wear sunglasses on camera.
This week, the guys have the roses to give, so uncoupled women are scrambling to find men. Much like the beginning of Pride and Prejudice! Alexis and Raven invent a game that’s basically a blind-folded taste test with a sexy twist, confirming my suspicion that Alexis is actually funny. The blindfolded guy in question is Jack Stone, who is really endearing during the game and it’s literally because he’s blindfolded. When he can’t look at the camera/women in a creepy way, he’s maybe charming? He’s…a pair of stylish eyewear away from likability?
Jasmine asks Matt for a massage, and when he declines to give her one, she mounts him.
Christen, who is 26 and from Nick’s season, shows up. She’s an adult virgin, following in the footsteps of Queen Elizabeth.
Matt is attracted to Christen but Jasmine, Queen Bee of Paradise, already marked her territory, so that’s…her man! Would love to hear Christen and Jasmine break into a drunken rendition of Brandy and Monica’s “The Boy Is Mine” over Matt, if ABC can get the rights. Jasmine warns Matt “thou shalt not date Christen” and makes some sexual comment that gets bleeped out because this show about drunken adults having sex on the beach is, what, family programming?
Sidebar: Where the hell is Christen from? She has an accent that veers from Valley Girl to Tennessee-Southern to Boston over the course of a sentence, and her name is spelled like that name should not be spelled.
BUT THEN as Christen is applying makeup, Jasmine barges in to confront her and Christen savvily is like, “Well HE came on to ME, so that’s why I liked him the most of all the boys” and then Jasmine’s like, “Do you; go on your date, but like, I am clocking your moves,” and the moral here is that Jasmine is pretty drunk. So then Raven tells Christen, you know, this is more about Matt, and Christen cries, and Jasmine monologues to Alexis on the beach and Jasmine calls Christen “slimy and sneaky” and a “slimy-ass bitch.”
On their date, Matt and Christen share chocolate-covered bananas so, Insert Arrested Development Banana Stand Joke Here. Alexis tells a story about how one time, on the way to a club, Christen ate scallops in a car. Wells then re-tells that story, mockingly, and then Jasmine and Amanda also re-tell that story; basically, Christen is Scallop Girl now. Her reputation has been sullied forever. Honestly, if the worst people can say about you is that you eat dumb snacks in a car, you’re probably OK, Christen.
Commercial sidebar: Jessica Chastain is so GD compelling I might have to buy whatever perfume she’s selling because I wanna smell like her.
That night, Jasmine continues to complain about Christen and Matt, which hurts her in two respects: 1) She’s giving Matt the upper hand in their relationship because she’s clearly more invested than he is, and 2) She’s pretty much guaranteeing that if she and Matt do split, none of the other guys currently on the beach will have anything to do with her after seeing this clingy side of her. True to form, the moment Matt appears, she climbs onto him and smothers him with un-sexy kisses.
Christen eats shrimp with her fingers for dinner, and this is hysterical to Amanda and Sarah because it reminds them of the earlier scallop anecdote. These girls have the weirdest sense of humor; like, I get it: Not everyone is a comedian, but y’all need to come up with better jokes. I swear to gahh.
It’s Game Night in Paradise, so they are playing Scattergories—well, everyone except for Robby, who is setting up a romantic night with Amanda by putting glow sticks in a hot tub. Amanda tactfully swerves his advances.
Sarah pulls Adam aside to be like, “Um, so hey, no pressure, but, like, do you like me? Like ugh, I know I’m not, like, some other kind of way, but like, can you please like me?” And Adam’s like, “I’m figuring it out.”
Dean is still weighing D. Lo vs. Kristina, much to Kristina’s accented chagrin.
The only two people not having a terrible night? Derek and Taylor, the show’s most stable and longest-lasting couple of the season. Then out of nowhere they decide to stop kissing and start talking about their issues and get super mad at each other. Derek says “F-ck you,” possibly sarcastically, and Taylor literally says that she’s triggered and goes and cries on the beach.
They go to the hot tub to talk about Derek’s language and how it hurt Taylor. Even though it seems like he could easily fix this by saying, “I’m sorry, baby, I was an asshole and didn’t mean it,” he instead says nothing and Taylor talks about her emotions. She says she needs time. I feel like there’s definitely more to this story than we are seeing.
In the morning, Taylor lets it be known that her emotional piggy bank is empty. Empty! Her emotional piggy bank!
Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison is like, “A spooky surprise is coming your way!” I’m not sure why one of the rose-less girls doesn’t just bite the bullet and kiss Robby because Amanda won’t. Adam is somehow the grand prize in this catfight, sought after by both Raven and Sarah. Diggy, too, is caught between beautiful ladies: Lacey and Dominique. Lacey is “very disappointed” in Diggy, who is happy to use Dominique to get the hell away from Lacey. LACEY! GO MAKE OUT WITH ROBBY! HE IS WIDE OPEN!
I don’t know why Kristina is so obsessed with Dean? I mean, I do know, he’s Dean, but they don’t seem on the same page. She’s all in and he’s…all in with her and with D. Lo.
Amanda and Robby continue their quasi-romantic friendship until Robby KISSES AMANDA. Good for them. I don’t personally care, but far be it from me to tell you not to.
For some reason, the powers that be decided Wells’ humor would be improved with the addition of a cheerleader hand puppet he can use to have pretend conversations with the women on the show. To his credit, he does not even attempt ventriloquism. To his non-credit, it’s not very funny.
Taylor sits Derek down to talk about The F-ck You Incident and how he was emotionally reactive. The two main issues here are Taylor’s tendency to become her own couples counselor and being triggered due to her past emotional abuse. Which is all, sadly, very real! They have a real relationship. They actually care about each other!
Matt and Christen have a heart-to-heart, and Matt basically tells her that his rose is going to Jasmine. And then Jasmine and Matt have a heart-to-heart, and Matt tells her that he wants to go home. And then he leaves! Boy, bye?
While Christen is crying, Jasmine wastes no time in locking down her backup plan: Jack Stone. I mean, Jasmine cries, too, but she flirts her way through it. But then “Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman” Christen wises up and, uh, strongly hints to Jack Stone that he could potentially be the man to, uh, you know where I’m going with this. They make out!
Then, Chris Harrison comes back and introduces their “new arrival,” Daniel. I don’t know this person.
Parting Thoughts: Corinne-terview tomorrow. Also: Why is Bachelor in Paradise two nights a week?