Welcome to “Ask A Hottie,” a weekly column where Break tries to convince you that 1. I am hot (debatable at best), and that 2. I give quality life advice to troubled souls in need.
Luckily for everyone reading this, exactly ONE of the two statements above is accurate. Am I hot, or do I give good life advice? Find out for yourself by sending me your questions at AskABreakHottie@gmail.com, or just peep this photo below and leave some objectifying comments that lead to everyone arguing whether I’m a six or an eight.
“Hmmm….she’s somewhere between a zero and a 10, but where?” – Break commenters
Q: My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years. Our relationship was off to a good start, but in the past year or so I’ve gotten a little comfortable with my weight. I’m 5’5′ and 190 lbs., I know I could be healthier but I’ve had people come up to me thinking I’m only 120 lbs. I carry the weight well but I am fine with how I am.
My boyfriend is a different story. “Carl” has been trying to get me to work out more and although I don’t mind eating a little healthier, I have bad joints and it hurts to exercise. Carl doesn’t understand this. Carl NEVER listens to me when I tell him I can’t use the elliptical or the bike at the gym, and it makes me sad that he’d rather force me to be “hot” than let me be happy in my own skin.
Last Saturday he made me promise that I’d meet him at the gym at 2:00. Who goes to the gym on the weekends? The night before I stayed out really late with friends and didn’t wake up until 12:00 on Saturday. I was exhausted. All I wanted to do with relax, so around 1:30 I texted him saying I wouldn’t be able to make it.
Carl didn’t respond, and didn’t text me back until 10:00 at night with a “Fine” text. He didn’t talk to me until Sunday, and when he did he said that he’s put up with “this” long enough and that I should care more about staying attractive to him. I cried.
I don’t understand what I did for him to get so mad. How do I get him to love me for who I am?
A: First of all, your boyfriend does love you for who you are — if he didn’t, he would’ve dumped you the minute you stepped foot on a scale and it cracked in half. The fact that he’s still dating you even though your weight has ballooned up to 190 lbs. is, frankly, impressive. To everyone reading this: imagine your boyfriend/girlfriend gained 70 lbs. in a year. Would you be happy? Probably not.
But the main problem here (as you’ve already correctly guessed) is the weight you’ve gained and your unwillingness to lose it. Why don’t you want to lose it? Do you enjoy having a BMI of 31? Do you think shopping in the plus size section of stores is fun? Do you like having trouble fitting into the seats on an airplane? You say that you’re happy with yourself, but judging from the fact that you had to lie to about what you look like (lady, NO ONE has EVER come up and asked if you weigh 120, A. Because random strangers don’t ask for each other’s weight, and B. There is no way in fucking hell you weigh 190 and look 120. You are delusional), I have a feeling you’re not actually happy with the way you are; you’re just too lazy to either go to the gym, change your diet or both.
Do you need a crane to get your amorphous body onto a boat? If so, you may have a weight problem.
Which is ok! Change is scary, and sometimes we feel like we need it only after we’ve crossed the point of no return. It’s really just a matter of getting yourself in the right mindset and committing to a goal — but if you really don’t want to lose weight, and you really don’t get why your boyfriend’s dick goes flaccid every time you jiggle through the room, then I’m sorry to say it but the two of you should break up. He, for one, deserves to be dating someone he finds attractive and who is willing to put effort into herself to remain attractive, while you deserve to date someone who doesn’t care about an extra hundred pounds here or there. Neither of you are explicitly “wrong,” per se — it’s just that you both have different values and neither of you are really willing to compromise on them (though if you asked me, you should still lose the weight for both your health and because it’s way harder to get laid when you’re single and fat, which appears to be coming up in your future.)
Would you bone Homer if he were single? I don’t think so.
And if for whatever reason you skimmed over the last few paragraphs because you didn’t want the harsh truth about how your weight is affecting your relationship, your boyfriend is also pissed at you because you made plans with him, then cancelled 30 minutes before. Does your boyfriend live at the gym? Does he do nothing all day at home except for when he’s working out? Because chances are good that by 1:30 he’d probably already left for the gym and he got your message on the way there. Compound your unwillingness to lose weight with intentionally flaking on an activity that’s supposed to help you burn calories, and yeah, I’d be pretty pissed at you too.