Ask A Hottie Vol. 5: I Kissed My Mother In Law And I Liked It


Welcome to Break’s kinda-regular-when-I-feel-like-it column “Ask A Hottie,” where they’ve given free reign to a girl who 1. Doesn’t know her multiplication tables past five, and 2. Once broke up with her boyfriend because she called him “gelatinous” and he took it as an insult rather than an objective observance (he sucked even before that, I’m not actually this petty.)

And because every week you get a beautiful photo of my happy face doing fun things, here I am:

Feel free to send help. 

Do you have a question for our resident creature? Send it to!

Q: A few weeks ago I got really drunk and cheated on my boyfriend with another man. I woke up the next morning regretting it big time. Immediately I let my boyfriend know what happened and apologized.

He was super upset and wouldn’t talk to me for a few days, but after a while he finally came around. He said he would only stay with me if I never drank again, stayed away from bars, nightclubs, or parties where there will be alcohol. I am also required to respond to his text messages within an hour of him sending them.

I do love my boyfriend, but this is very strict and it is hard to watch my friends party when I’m stuck at home sober. I asked him if we could talk about his rules, and he said no. He doesn’t drink either so I don’t think he understands where I’m coming from.

Do you have any suggestions for a compromise between us?

A: Well, for starters the two of you should definitely break up since you clearly have different values. Your boyfriend, for one, values monogamy and relationships where his girlfriend doesn’t get drunkenly plowed by some random man on any given weekend. You, on the other hand, seem to consider drinking much more important than both his happiness and your relationship overall.

To rewrite your question in layman’s terms, it’s basically “How can I talk my boyfriend into revoking all his lame-o rules because I wanna get #LIT with my friends?” Frankly, you can’t. Your boyfriend gave you his rules for staying together, and if you want to break them you have to break up. Don’t feel bad though — there are loads of alcoholics out there who would agree with you. To each their own, eh? I’m not going to sit here and tell you to NOT cheat on your boyfriend and to NOT get blackout drunk on the weekends, because while I do find your behavior disgusting, it’s your vagina, not mine.

And even if you eventually decide that your boyfriend is more important to you than your friends and partying, I’d still say the two of you should break up. Granted, you were the one who fucked up, but I honestly don’t know if I could stay in a relationship where I’m having rules imposed on me and can’t drink. That’s not to say that drinking trumps everything, but moreso I don’t jive with the idea that he’s acting like a babysitter who doesn’t trust me with a bottle of Jameson.

You don’t want to stop partying, and he doesn’t want a girlfriend who drinks and cheats on him. Just break up and get it over with already.

Q: My wife and I recently moved to a new city and are now living with her parents while we get on our feet. Our marriage has been tense since the move. She got a new job that has her working late and she doesn’t get home until 4:00 a.m. every night, so we don’t see each other as much as we used to because she pulls doubles since I don’t work full time.

She didn’t have to work tonight, but instead of coming home and spending time with me she decided to go out with coworkers. I was sad, but I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to spoil her fun. She was out all night and didn’t call a single time except for a butt dial, and it sounded like she was laughing with a man.

It made me feel sick and so I walked into the kitchen and chugged a beer. My Mother in law saw this and asked if I was alright, so I told her about the butt dial. She said it was nothing and that her daughter would never cheat on me. Maybe it was the beer, but I started telling her how I feel more and more distant from my wife every day and that I feel useless. She hugged me, and then I kissed her.

She reciprocated but I think it was more of a reaction than actually kissing me back. I apologized, she said it was alright and that if I needed anything she would be in her office.

Do I tell my wife? Did my mother in law reciprocate the kiss or was it an accident? Is she being supportive or was she trying to initiate something more when she went into her office?

A: Dude this is WAYYYY above my pay grade, but the best advice I can give you is:

1. Find a job

2. Make friends

If you find a job your wife won’t have to work doubles and you’ll get to see her more. If you make friends you won’t be so lonely and dependent on your wife. If you fix both of those problems, the crush you have on your mother in law will hopefully fade away.

At the end of the day, you shouldn’t be wondering if your mother in law enjoyed the kiss the two of you shared, and you shouldn’t be secretly hoping that her going back to her office was an invitation to fuck. In fact, burn your laptop and delete any trace of this question from your hard drive, because if your wife ever finds out you asked this question she is going to flip. Not just at you, but at her mom too — and her mom didn’t even do anything, YOU’RE the one hoping to get into an intergenerational sandwich here. Not cool.

Don’t tell your wife. Stop macking on your mother in law, find a job and move out of their house. It’s time to be adults and not children.

Do you have a question for our resident creature? Send it to!



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