Photo: Universal Pictures
With The First Purge in theaters, it’s got us thinking about the first places we’d immediately purge if there was a government-sanctioned, consequence-free killing spree to be had. Basically, this is our opportunity to air our grievances with society and call out people who better shape up before this thing gets legalized.
A corporate entity that swallows small businesses whole and spits them out in the same breath because the “coffee” they serve tastes like radioactive jet fuel? The same place that refuses to adhere to the standard measuring system of small, medium and large? The one that gets their customers arrested but also houses would-be screenwriters who think their Tinder experiences warrant a memoir? The kind of customers who correct people on their use of “your” and “you’re” as if they’re some kind of pseudo-intellectual? And we could just strangle them in broad daylight with zero remorse? Yeah, Starbucks seems like a good jumping-off point.
8. Bird Scooter HQ
They’re everything that’s wrong with society right now. The hip, new app-inspired scooter company — which seem fine with people leaving their ride-share bird shit in my front yard — is inspiring people to have even less accountability for their actions (somehow) by letting them continue on with littering their lives away without ever owning or caring for something like an adult. That goes double for the 55-year-old trying to fit in with the kids.
7. Vape Shops
Whatever happened to having a good old-fashioned drug dealer who rolled up grass doobies? These electric vape lines and legalized weed shops are ruining drugs!
Public pot shops are scaring off the weed man (or hiring him with a substandard healthcare package) and making people stand out front of shops with signs to solicit overpriced and barely legal prescriptions requiring a legitimate health concern. No, I don’t have glaucoma, but I like to smoke weed and eat Bagel Bites with my Netflix. And stop blowing your goddamn vape smoke in my face!
6. Baseball Stadiums
Baseball has gotten pretty boring. Either let them cork the bats, take steroids or light the place up with a healthy purge.
5. The DMV
We like the idea of the DMV — people think they know what they’re going to get when they get there — but it’s even worse than imagined. A good purge might make it more entertaining, at the very least. The line would move right along, too.
Anybody who goes to McDonald’s for a salad should be getting shanked in the drive-thru. At least have the decency to go in and face the fast food server like a man.
3. Reno (And Every Other Pointless City)
While we agree Sin City needs some serious cleansing, we would never actually endorse someone lighting up a crowd of people. Reno, on the other hand, is like a poor man’s Vegas and needs some hard discipline. St. Louis could probably use a good purge, too. Those people are out of their freaking minds. It is, after all, the shittiest city in America.
2. Social Media & Dating Apps
If at all possible, we’d like to get into the Snapchat, Twitter and Instagram model business of purging and really thin the herd. While we’re at it, we might as well go after some Tinder folk because we all know you’re not there for love, you self-serving bastards. The only thing worse is people who don’t pick up their dog’s shit (or the ones who celebrate Christmas in July).
1. The White House
Our nation’s capital has a fairly impressive turnover rate. Perhaps if we focus on certain parts of the White House, like the Oval Office, we might get the full purge we’re looking for.