We are now into a new year. 2017 looms before us on the field of space-time, a vast unknown. Will it bring more political upsets or kill more celebrities than 2016? Will it bring turmoil or prosperity? No one knows.
Well, a lot of people CLAIM to know. Prophets, Psychics and predictors with some kind of spiritual, astral, or academic justification like to make bold claims about knowing what the future will bring.
So in today’s article, we’re going to look at just a few of the many predictions these people (mostly kooks, but maybe a few aren’t?) are saying will come to pass in 2017. And as Break.com’s resident Wizard, I’ll give you my own guess as to how likely they are to come true.
1. There Will Be A Revolution in Nigeria!
Who Predicted It?: Honestly, the only reason I even included this one in the article is because of WHO claimed it. This prediction was said to have been given by the Holy Spirit, to a man named Ayodele Fayose. So what, right? Just some crazy religious dude.
You’d only know better if you happen to have a sophisticated knowledge of local Nigerian politics (I’m going to make my own prediction here and guess you don’t). This isn’t some crazy Nigerian street-preacher; Fayose is actually the Governor of Ekiti State, Nigeria! Fayose also made ‘prophecies’ like these (from the Holy Spirit) in the past. When he’s not busy talking to the Holy Spirit, he’s had a colored career, having been governor in 2003, then impeached in 2006, then re-elected governor in an election full of accusations of vote-rigging in 2014. He’s also had his bank accounts frozen for money-laundering.
Odds It’ll Happen?: I’m going to give it a 70% chance. Nigeria is already a huge mess, and frankly predicting a revolution in most African countries has at least a decent chance of coming true regardless of who made it. But in this case, Fayose is a big regional politician. I’m thinking this prediction has less to do with the “Holy Spirit” and a lot more to do with Fayose’s own plans.
2. Donald Trump Will Never Take Office, the U.S. Will Collapse Into Civil War
Who Predicted It?: A blind Bulgarian mystic by the name of ‘Baba Vanga’. She’s hugely famous in Bulgaria, and was visited throughout her life by dignitaries seeking predictions, even in the old Soviet days (legend has it even Leonid Brezhnev came to see her!). She became more famous in the West because she had predicted that the 44th president of the United States would be black. I should mention, Baba Vanga had no knowledge of Barack Obama, given that she actually died back in 1996.
She also predicted that this black president would be the last US president, and that after this the US would collapse into civil war.
Odds It’ll Happen?: 0.1%. Unlike a lot of people on social media, I’m not too impressed with Baba Vanga’s supposed psychic powers. Sure, she did luck out in predicting that there would be a black president exactly when Obama got elected. But given that there’s literally days left to go and no sign of a national collapse, I just don’t see it happening. Her actual prediction, by the way, seemed to suggest that the collapse would be caused by a massive economic crisis, and that the ‘black president’ would be to blame for the civil war.
What none of her online fans mention is that she also got a ton of predictions totally wrong. She incorrectly predicted that there would be a 3rd World War from 2010-2014. She claimed in the 1970s that Russia, and not the U.S., would become the only superpower. She even made a wrong prediction about the 1994 world cup.
As soon as Donald Trump is securely inaugurated, I plan to go around personally laughing at everyone on my facebook feed who posted her prediction, and I hope that’ll be the last we hear about Baba Vanga.
3. 2017 Will Be the Year of the Rapture!
Who Predicted It?: Well, tons of ‘end times’ preachers, probably. But for expediency’s sake let’s pick just one and say it was the Reverend Donna Larson. Her “Rapture and End Times” website (http://www.raptureandendtimes.com/) claims that this coming year will at long last be that “Rapture” that Christians have been waiting for since… well, since the ‘rapture’ idea was invented by John Nelson Darby back in 1827. No, it’s not explicitly in the Bible.
Larson has an amusing set of ‘biblical mathematics’ in her claim, not unlike those I’ve shown in a previous article from other failed prophecies in the past. In her version of ‘bible math’, Larson claims that her careful study of scripture reveals that the Earth will be precisely 6000 years old in 2017. And because 6000 is a number with a lot of zeros in it, that means it’s Rapture time! This also marks, of course, the beginning of the “End Times” which she claims will come to a close in 2024, when Jesus returns to the world, apocalypse, etc etc.
Odds It’ll Happen?: 0%. Based on the fact that every single Christian-apocalypse prediction of the last 2000 years has been wrong, and that ‘the Rapture’ is a newer idea than the musket (or the United States, for that matter). Heck, Napoleon had already been dead for six years before the Rapture was invented! Sorry to those of you who are devout Christians. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be Christians, I’m just saying you’re not going to have a Rapture. It’s not going to happen. Re-examine your Bible, and learn some history.
4. There Will be a Huge Scandal in the Mainstream Media!
Who Predicted This?: Is this even a prediction? Isn’t it just something that’s happening? Well, the reason it’s on the list is because of an article by CBS news about ‘predictions for 2017.
In this article, CBS News actually predicts that 2017 will have a “big scandal involving the press”; which is a bit like a convicted bank robber predicting that he was going to be convicted for bank robbery, right? I mean, I thought that’s already happened in 2016!
But more specifically, the prediction in the article (and this is where it gets totally insane) suggests that a hack/leak of some major mainstream media outlet will “reveal the internal conversations of some journalists, which would cast the whole profession in a negative light”.
So this isn’t just like a bank robber predicting he’d get caught robbing a bank; it’s like if after that he said “I predict that if someone digs under that tree in my backyard, they’ll find a whole bunch of stolen money”!
Odds It’ll Happen?: Um, can I say 20000%? I mean the the part about the mainstream media and the entire profession of mainstream journalism being cast in a negative light is ALREADY TRUE. That’s part of why Donald Trump won the election. It’s already blatantly obvious to almost everyone that all the mainstream media channels are not actually doing any journalism anymore, they’ve just turned themselves into filthy lying propaganda-prostitutes for the Establishment. They’re not reporters anymore, they’re whores.
But what makes this article so damn interesting is that CBS itself just admitted that if someone hacked or leaked their internal emails everyone would hate them even more. One of the large media outlets of mainstream media ‘journalism’ has just guaranteed that they would be utterly debunked if anyone knew what they talked about when they thought no one was looking.
Now all we need are some ‘Russian hackers’.
5. A Failed Miracle Predicts DOOM!
Who Predicted It?: Saint Januarius, also known as Saint Gennaro. Bishop of Naples, miracle-worker. He’s also been dead for about 1700 years, having been martyred during the persecutions of the Christians at the hands of the Emperor Diocletian.
More accurately, it’s Saint Januarius’ blood which does the predicting. You see, legend claims that the blood of Januarius was saved by a faithful woman just after his death, preserved as a holy relic in Naples. Since 1389 there have been reports of the dried blood, preserved in a reliquary, melting and becoming liquid again in an act considered miraculous. This is said to happen 3 times a year, and sometimes on special occasions too.
But this last time, on December 16th, the blood did not liquefy. And according to legend, when Januarius’ blood doesn’t go liquid, terrible disasters occur. Some of the last times the miracle failed to occur included 1939 (the start of the 2nd World War), 1943 (the Nazi invasion of Italy), and the last time it failed to occur was back in 1980, where a terrible earthquake struck the region of Naples, killing 2400 people.
Odds It’ll Happen?: Well, I’m going to say 100%, and 0%. There is in fact a 100% chance that something awful will happen and people will claim, like they did in 1939, 1943, or 1980, that this is what the failed ‘miracle’ was predicting. There is a 0% chance that this horrible event will actually have anything to do with an old medieval fake-relic (note how the ‘miracle’ didn’t start happening until about 1084 years after Januarius’ death, and in an era in the middle ages where made-up relics and parlor-trick miracles were being sold to and by the church at alarming rates).
See, this is the thing with vague general predictions of doom. If I say “Something really bad will happen to you in 2017” it’s GUARANTEED to be true. There will unquestionably be many bad things that will happen to all of us in 2017 because that’s life, there’s always good things and bad things happening to us. If you really want to believe me, you’ll pick the worst thing that happened to you in 2017 and decide that must have been what I predicted. Saint Januarius isn’t just a saint, he’s kind of a cheater.
6. Alien Entity Predicts Alien Life Will Be Found
Who Predicted It?: In theory, “Bashar”. Now, Bashar is a supernatural being, who gets ‘channeled’ by a number of ‘psychic mediums’. In the world of New Age idiots, he’s super hot right now. He’s from a world 500 light years away, and gives predictions as well as new-agey messages about white light and the law of attraction bullshit.
Now, I know this might sound crazy, but if we were to pretend for a moment that Bashar wasn’t real, I guess these predictions come from “psychic medium” Darryl Anka. He’s claimed, from Bashar, that in 2017 life on an alien planet will be absolutely confirmed, and that some government will disclose that there’s also an extraterrestrial presence on earth.
Odds It’ll Happen?: I guess there’s always a tiny chance that we’ll have first contact with an alien race next year. I’d love it if that happened. I’m going to give it a 0.5% chance. However I will give it an absolutely 0% chance that those aliens will end up telling us “Bashar sent us and that new-age fraud merchant was totes legit”.
Anka/Bashar has been making a career of charging people $300 a session for new-age gibberish and failed predictions, for over 30 years. More dangerously, he claims that his psychic powers and training can heal people, and cure any disease, potentially threatening the lives of gullible people with serious illnesses who believe his crap.
He, or “Bashar”, incorrectly predicted alien-encounters many, many times before. He also predicted that the Mayan Apocalypse nonsense would happen in 2012. So if Bashar is real, he’s either a liar, a moron, or a lying moron. If he isn’t real, then Daryl Anka is one of those things and a fraud too.
7. The Return of “Planet X”!
Who Predicted It?: I told y’all about Planet X in one of my previous articles on dumb prophecies. In short, it’s the idea that ancient architecture ‘proves’ (hint: it doesn’t) that there’s actually another planet in a really wide orbit around our solar-system. And that once every few thousand years it swings back into closer orbit and wreaks havoc and destruction. The various fans of Planet X nonsense have been pushing it for years now, claiming it would arrive in 1997, 2003, 2012, and 2014.
This time, though there’s probably others claiming it too, I’m using the prophecy of “Dr.” Jaysen Rand. Note: he’s not a real doctor, he just likes to pretend he is. Rand claims Planet X isn’t just a regular planet, it’s actually a brown dwarf star. And he’s predicted that this time, for sure, in 2017 it will arrive!
Odds It’ll Happen: 0%. “Dr.” Rand had already predicted it for 2012, linking it to the ancient Maya as well as the more typical Planet X association with ancient Mesopotamia. There is in fact no ‘ancient’ link it at all, it’s all pseudo-archaeology. And pseudo-astronomy. If a brown dwarf star was really a year away from us, it would be immediately obvious. Rand is as full of crap as the fake ‘doctorate’ he got from a Russian acupuncture clinic.
8. The Draft Will Return to the US!
Who Predicted It?: Yet another psychic, Joseph Tittel, who also likes to go by the name of “Spiritman Joseph”. He is another typical smarmy ‘medium’, whose biggest claim to fame was appearing on the reality game show “America’s Psychic Challenge” (he didn’t win, you’d think he’d have seen his loss coming!). He has an unbelievably dull youtube show, and likes to make predictions about just about everything. He predicted that in 2017, there will be meteor strikes on the Earth, political instability, and a return to the military draft in the United States.
Odds It’ll Happen: -49%. The draft makes no sense for the modern US military. I might have given it, as a general prediction, a 1% chance of happening. But since Tittel predicted it, I have to give it a -50% penalty. Literally weeks before this prediction, Tittel had foreseen that Hillary Clinton would win the US Election. He claimed she’d serve 2 terms and would suffer 3 assassination attempts! This gives you a pretty clear idea about how reliable he is. He also predicted the 2012 Mayan apocalypse thing like many of the other cretins on this list, claiming 2012 would be a year of global war.
The only thing amazing about “spiritman Joseph” is how anyone is stupid enough to keep believing him.
9. Most of the US Will Suffer a Freezing Cold Winter!
Who Predicted It?: The Old Farmer’s Almanac! This publication has been around since 1792, making it the longest continually published periodical in all of North America. It’s published every September, and gives predictions on weather, tides, and charts for planting for the coming year. It also has a number of articles and other useful reference material. This year, it’s predicted that most of the northern and eastern parts of the country will have an unusually cold winter with excessive snow. The southern parts of the US, like Florida and California, will be mostly spared the cold but will be getting more rain than usual.
Odds It’ll Happen: 85%. The Old Farmer’s Almanac doesn’t get it right all the time, but it’s had a really good track record, enough that it’s been relied upon by farmers for 225 years. It’s probably about a million times more reliable than most of the bullshit predictions in this article.
10. Climate Change Will Freeze
Who Predicted It?: Both climate change skeptics AND many climate scientists are claiming that global temperatures are very likely to DECLINE in 2017. Skeptics claim that the math/science of climate-change is just failing to pan out, or at least progressing much slower than any of the environmentalists thought. On the other hand, proponents of the climate change ‘consensus’ model claim that this year’s fluctuations are likely to be due to the natural weather cycles known as el nino/la nina, which led to an excessively warm 2016. And the comparatively cooler 2017 will be used by skeptics to (incorrectly, according to them) deny climate change.
Odds It’ll Happen: I’m not going to touch this one with a ten foot pole.